My body disgusts me
The way it grows hair
And sheds flakes of skin
How fingernails stretch out
Earwax accumulates to soften the sharp noise from my surroundings, dulling my senses
Smothering me in my own personal silence.
The way my lips dry out
And my spit sloshes around inside my mouth.
The way my veins are so crystal clear beneath my flesh
The bags under my eyes so fat, puffy, dark
My body so bony
My fingers, little stubs
My eyes so crusty in the morning after the tears have dried up
And the skin on the underside of my arm
Raw and broken from scratching
My scalp dry
My teeth wonky
Spots and ‘beauty’ spots
Constellations on my body which I wish would just hurry up and fade away.
The incessant beating of my heart
The forced rise and fall of my chest
The rapid flickering of my eyes, desperate to draw more information in
For my toxic brain
In it’s thick bone cage
With it’s network that keeps me all together
Makes me like this
Makes me physical
Makes me real to some extent
Traps me in this world
To navigate on my own
In the capsule I so wish would shut down
Would stop working
Would malfunction and collapse,
The pulsing of blood in my arteries is too much of a rush
My senses too dull
And at other times
My body disgusts me.
Let me out.